


thirst

by megiaolf



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, and makes dan do his bidding, capita£ester, phil thirsts after free stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-19
Updated: 2018-05-19
Packaged: 2019-05-08 20:12:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14701341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/megiaolf/pseuds/megiaolf
Summary: Phil wants free food. Dan helps him get free food.





	thirst

“Are you being serious right now?” Dan asks, his mouth hanging open in disbelief. 

Phil has barged into the room and shoved his phone in Dan’s face. When Dan looks up at him in question, Phil pushes it further into his space until he gives in and plays the voice message pulled up on the screen.

When it finishes playing, Dan is covering his face with his palms and Adam has thrown his head back against the sofa in silent laughter. He looks a bit red in the face.

Phil gives them both a nasty look and takes his phone back.

“Yes of course I’m serious Dan. That pizza didn’t meet health and safety standards.”

Adam sniggers at that. Phil glares at him. He gives up and leaves the room clutching his stomach in laughter. 

“Did you seriously email them over the fucking pizza you lunatic?” Dan’s eyes are round as saucers and it looks like his brains are about to leak out of them.

“Yes! And you have to call him back! They ruined my taste buds.” He tries to thrust his phone back into Dan’s hands.

“I’m doing no such thing,” Dan says, dodging Phil’s advances expertly, “call him back yourself if you care so much.”

“I don’t know what to say! You know how I get when I’m put on the spot.”

“Pity.” Dan deadpans.

“Daaan.” Phil whines pathetically. 

Dan rolls his eyes and goes back to scrolling. He would usually not make such a big deal out of calling people for Phil. He is generally the one who makes appointments and reservations in their household but this is just one step too far. He is not going to let Phil ensnare him into his coupon mongering schemes. He has some standards.

Phil narrows his eyes. There’s no way he’s missing out on his compensation for a burned tongue just because Dan refuses to be the bigger person. If there’s anything his mum taught him, it’s to never give in without a fight. Especially when things are owed to him. 

“Dishes for three days straight.” Phil says.

Dan raises his head in the ‘I’m listening’ gesture but doesn’t look him in the eye.

“Four days.” Phil says through gritted teeth.

“A week. And you get the mail.” Dan offers him his hand. He’s never claimed to be morally incorruptible.

Phil shakes it with a grimace on his face. Dan drives a tough bargain. But some things are worth the pain.

“Deal,” Phil says and starts to fiddle with his phone.

“Are you--oh my god stop dialing! Tell me what you want me to say first you fiend.” Dan plucks the phone out of Phil’s hand.

“Tell him pizzas shouldn’t be hotter than the sun, Horatio. And sass him good. Don’t give in easy.”

“Horatio?”

“Yes! Horatio the chef? The one who called. Keep up Dan.”

“Christ Phil.”

“Look do you want me to do the chores or not? We made a deal.”

“Fine.” Dan grumbles and calls the number.

“Put it on speaker!” Phil whisper-yells when the call connects.

Dan gives him a death glare as he presses the speaker button. Phil pretends he cannot see it.

Horatio turns out to be an extremely kind and understanding person, especially given the situation. He tries to explain to Dan how some cheeses can get deceptively hot and melty and it’s not the cook’s fault but Phil gestures at him aggressively and mimes whole arguments at him in response.

Dan sighs and turns away from him. He knows what Phil is trying to say and as funny as it is to watch him mime a burned mouth, he isn’t a fan of talking on the phone either. He’s just better at it than Phil is. Right now, it’s wiser to do what Phil wants and end this ordeal as soon as possible.

He tells Horatio how it’s totally ruined his taste buds, how he has a wedding to attend and he won’t be able to taste the food, he pulls stories out of thin air till Horatio is begrudgingly offering him a free meal for four.

He looks up at Phil and sighs in relief when Phil nods at him. He quickly says his thank yous and ends the call.

“That was the most painful conversation I’ve ever had. You owe me Lester.”

“Well, yeah. You made sure of that didn’t you? As if you’re not gonna get a free pizza out of this just like I am.” Phil turns his nose up.

“I don’t want your blood pizza.”

“Do you not? That’s fortunate. More for me.”

“You cheapskate.”

“Your mum.” Phil plants a wet kiss on his cheek and goes back to whatever hell dimension he crawled out of to badger him about free food. 

Dan sighs. His boyfriend is weird.

 

.

 

Phil doesn’t get the mail the next morning. He pretends Dan’s poking and prodding are ineffective till the doorbell stops ringing. When it’s clear Adam’s got the mail, he shuffles closer and throws a leg over Dan’s waist.

“He’s getting free food too,'' he mumbles into Dan’s chest.

Dan shakes his head and pulls him closer. His boyfriend might have the soul of a coupon collecting grinch but he wouldn’t change it for the world.

 

.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was inspired by [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8xDpD8ER9Y) video. Capita£ester has a special place in my heart.
> 
> Thanks to [obsessive-mess](http://obsessive-mess.tumblr.com/) for helping me with this and being an all around awesome human being.
> 
>  
> 
> [link to fic on tumblr](https://megiaolf.tumblr.com/post/174053419294/megiaolf-title-thirst-read-on-ao3-rating)


End file.
